Squash Kills
by ChandlerfanJW
Summary: A medical style House MD fic. First of this kind


Shot of squash court, two girls, best friends, playing against each other. After the game, shot of changing room, they are just about to leave.

Anna (1st girl): I'll see you tomorrow. Give you another thrashing.

Leah (2nd girl): Yeah, we'll see about that! (laughs) Need a lift?

Anna: No, I'll walk home.

Leah: OK. Bye

Anna: Bye

Both girls leave at the same time. Leah gets in her car and drives off. Anna is walking in the same direction. Shot of her heart, beating normally. Shot of her walking. Another shot of her heart, now beating erratically. Shot of her vomiting, then collapsing.

Credits

Shot of PPTH from above, changes to corridor, where House and Wilson are walking.

Wilson: Female, 27 years old, high BP, vomiting, back pain. All signs of a heart attack.

House: See. Squash can kill ya!

Wilson: Still doesn't explain it. She's too young...

House: So? Teenagers are too young to have kids, doesn't stop them.

Wilson: Whatever. Here's the file.

Wilson hands the file over to House. House pauses for a while as Wilson is walking away.

House: You're happy.

Wilson turns around.

Wilson: What?

House: You didn't bother reasoning with me. Unless it's because you know you're never going to win an argument against me. But you've still been doing it for all these years, so you wouldn't stop now.

Wilson: What's your point?

House: You got laid last night.

Wilson: You've said that so many times, it's lost all meaning.

House: So, who was it? Hooker? No, they're not needy enough for you. It must be someone you know. Are you happy because you got laid and didn't have to pay or use an inflatable doll?

Wilson: You're an ass.

Wilson walks away.

House (yelling): You've said that so many times, it's lost all meaning!

Wilson (shouting back): Deal with your patient House!

Scene changes to House's outer office, where the trio are sitting with Foreman waiting for him, as he hobbles in.

House grabs a chair and sits down, looking at them. All of them are confused.

Foreman: What's the case House?

House: Oh, this. (waves file around) Read it. (throws it at Foreman)

Foreman: How does a 27 year old have a heart attack?

House: How about giving me an answer instead of question?

Foreman continues talking but House doesn't hear anything, pondering on a different thought. Then he hobbles back out again, once again leaving the others confused.

House: Run some tests and don't bother me until you get the answer.

They go off as told.

Scene changes to Cuddy's office, she's on the phone, House marches in there

Cuddy (on phone): Sorry I'll have to call you back.

Cuddy: What is it House?

House: Extra cleavage and extra high heels. Did you go on a date last night?

Cuddy: What?

House: It's just that you're happy and horny.

Cuddy: I'm happy because you're doing your clinic duty.

House: No I'm not.

Cuddy: I know. It was a hint.

House: Doesn't explain why you're horny.

Cuddy: That's because I'm not horny.

House: The bra never lies.

Cuddy: I thought everybody lied.

House: Bras can't breathe, especially when you wear them.

He walks out.

Scene changes to pathology lab

Kutner: What are we looking for?

Thirteen: What we're always looking for: Abnormalities.

Kutner: Shouldn't we check her history?

Foreman: Again?

Kutner: She might have lied before.

Taub: She'd lie again.

Thirteen: You guys spend way too much time with House.

Cut to Wilson's office. House storms in.

House: Is it Cuddy?

Wilson: No.

House: Even with the extra cleavage and extra high heels?

Wilson: I didn't notice.

House: The hell you didn't! Someone made her horny.

Wilson: Not me.

House: Then who made you horny?

Wilson: You're right. I can't hide it from you any longer. It was Cuddy.

House: Really?

Wilson: No! You're an idiot. Why do you care about my sex life anyway?

House: I don't. I'm just bored. Boring people who have boring sex interest me.

Wilson: Boring?

House: Oh wait, you're Dr Panty Peeler. Forget what I just said.

House walks out and Wilson shakes his head, then sits back down.

Scene change: Outer office.

House: Well, is she a liar then?

Thirteen: No. She's perfectly healthy.

House: Perfectly healthy people don't have heart attacks.

Kutner: She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything.

Taub: She's a vegetarian and she does yoga every morning.

Foreman: Nothing fits.

House: There has to be something.

His pager beeps.

House: And now she's coughing up blood.

House (to Thirteen): Still sure she's healthy?

Scene change: Anna's room

Leah is there now along with Anna's fiancé.

Cut to House's outer office.

House (writing on the board): So we had high BP, vomiting and back pain initially, pointing towards a heart attack. Now she's coughing up blood – not consistent with a heart attack. Differential guys!

Foreman: Are we sure it's even a heart attack? She's young, physically active, and there are no signs of atherosclerosis that would lead to one, and there is absolutely no damage to the heart muscle. There's no consistency.

House: Life's a mystery.

Taub: No it's not. The answers are always there, we're just looking in the wrong place. You see it as a mystery because you see this as some sort of puzzle you have to solve before time runs out. You play a game with people, against people, but you don't ever talk to the patient which would help you in any diagnosis and stop this from being a mystery.

House: Oh, so now you're turning into Foreman. Why not go full whack, get yourself a criminal record and turn yourself black? Oh wait, but you're married. Well that can be sorted out if I just told your wife you cheated on her and took this job that you hate so much to save your own ass. How about that?

Taub doesn't answer, just looks down at the piece of paper on the table and fiddles with his pen.

House: Right, now we're done with the lectures. Differential would be nice, it is what you're getting paid for after all.

Thirteen: Maybe it isn't a heart attack.

House: We've just been through this...

Thirteen: What if it's...

House: Don't say lupus. It's never lupus.

Thirteen: How do you know?! We haven't tested for it.

House: Fine. Go and test for it.

Scene cuts to ER, where Cameron is busy dealing with a patient who has been stabbed.

House is seen hobbling towards her.

Cameron: What do you want House?

House: Why do women always say that to me?

Cameron: I'm not even going to list the reasons.

House: Are you doing Wilson?

Cameron looks up at him in disbelief, then goes back to attending her patient.

Cameron: No. I'm doing Chase.

House: So?

Cameron: I'm not doing Wilson.

House: Then why are your cheeks so red?

Cameron: I've been running around this place for the last seven hours!

House: Right.

Cut to House's outer office.

House: Well?

Thirteen (defeated): No. It's not lupus.

House: See. It's never lupus.

Kutner: What about aspartame poisoning?

Thirteen: No. She's too healthy to consume that much aspartame; she doesn't drink soft drinks and she doesn't use sweeteners...

House: Have you done an MRI? Checked for tumours, lesions?

Foreman: Can't be aspartame poisoning, no signs of lymphoma. Her immune system is fine; she hadn't contracted HIV.

House: And you know all this, how?

Taub: We talked to the patient.

House: There once was a great philosopher who cited 'Everybody lies'.

Foreman: It's stupid to call yourself a philosopher.

House: Yet you clearly think I am. I read your essay, you can't fool me.

Foreman looks shocked then realises he was lying, but it's too late because House has a smirk on his face, knowing it's true.

House: OK, you two (points at Kutner and Thirteen) go check out her house. Anything containing aspartame, you let me know; anything weird, you let me know; anything naughty, you let me know.

Kutner and Thirteen leave.

House: You two, run an MRI.

Foreman and Taub leave.

Shot of PPTH from above. Cut to Wilson's office.

Wilson: House! I told you, I didn't get laid! Why did you pester Cuddy and Cameron?

House: You know them, so I figured you'd sleep with them.

Wilson: There's no logic to this.

Wilson is waving his arms around every time he speaks, House is eating Wilson's sandwich.

House: Well, it's pretty clear to me. You know someone, they open up to you, they seem needy because of it, you want to fix them, and you sleep with them.

Wilson: How about talking to your patient instead of bugging me and eating my lunch.

Wilson grabs his lunch back off of House.

House: Charlotte's fine.

Wilson: Her name's Anna Wesner. She's 27, engaged, and hoping you'll find something to get her better. Talk to her.

House stopped listening when Wilson mentioned she was engaged and started thinking. Then he walked back out of the office.

Cut to Anna's house.

Thirteen: Find anything?

Kutner: A six-pack of beer under the bed. But that could belong to her fiancé.

Thirteen: How can you be so sure?

Kutner: It was hiding with these.

Kutner holds up some porn magazines.

Thirteen: Could be hers.

Kutner: Just because you swing that way, doesn't mean she does.

Thirteen looks at him defensively.

Kutner: Just saying.

Kutner shrugs.

Thirteen: No sweeteners, no soft drinks. Nothing containing aspartame.

Shot of PPTH from above. Cut to MRI.

Foreman: No lesions, no tumour.

Taub: Tests for HIV were negative. I tested her fiancé too. Nothing.

Cut to outer office.

House: Tell me you found something interesting.

Thirteen: It's not aspartame poisoning.

Kutner: There's nothing containing aspartame in her house.

Foreman: MRI shows no lesions or tumour.

Taub: She doesn't have HIV or anything that would weaken her immune system, so no chance of lymphoma.

House: OK, so we know it's not lupus (looks at Thirteen) and not aspartame poisoning (looks at Kutner). So, what else can it be?

Taub: What about vasculitis?

Foreman: No rashes.

Taub: But she coughed up blood. Maybe the rashes haven't developed yet.

House: Indecisive (points at Thirteen) check her for rashes. Kutner, help her do a CAT scan to check for bleeding into the lung after she's done.

Thirteen and Kutner leave.

Shot of PPTH from above. Cut to Cuddy's office.

House: How can you be busy for the next two months?

Cuddy: I work, speaking of which, you have four hours of clinic duty to do today.

House: I have a case.

Cuddy: Talk to your patient.

House: Come on, it's just dinner. You went on two dates with Wilson, but won't go on one with me.

Cuddy: Those weren't dates.

House: Tell that to Jimmy boy.

Cuddy: Fine. Dinner. Next Friday. I'll meet you at the restaurant. You humiliate me, I'll walk out, and it'll never be spoken of again.

House: So it's a date.

Cuddy: It's not a date, it's dinner.

House: Either way I'm getting lucky!

Cuddy glares at him.

House: Not you. There's a hot waitress there.

Cut to outer office.

Thirteen: No rashes anywhere.

Kutner: There was blood in the lungs, but we knew that already when she coughed up blood. Doesn't mean vasculitis.

Foreman: White count hasn't risen; it's normal.

House: What about red? Has it dropped?

Foreman: No, it's normal. No signs of anaemia or vasculitis.

Taub: Ulcer?

Foreman: No, she wouldn't have collapsed from it before from an ulcer.

House has just realised what it is and walks out leaving the others once again confused.

Cut to Wilson's office. House storms in.

Wilson: I heard you and Cuddy have a date coming up...

House: Not now Wilson. I need a consult.

Wilson: For whom?

House: My patient.

House walks out.

Cut to Anna's room.

Thirteen: I'm sorry, it's terminal.

Cut to outside the room, where her parents, her fiancé and Leah have just received the same news.

Wilson: We weren't aware of the history of cancer, so we didn't check into it. The MRI didn't show the tumour up so we didn't suspect cancer. With the second MRI, the tumour was too big for us to do anything. I'm sorry.

Cut to House in his office, throwing a ball at the wall. Zoom into window behind him, and outside.

End credits.


End file.
